Behavior - Whose Responsibility is It?

"You can't change others; You can only change yourself." or "You are responsible for your own behavior." These are many of the tidbits of wisdom that I have shared with my children over the years. Dispensing wisdom is easy compared to actually living it or, even harder, watching someone else live up to those expectations. Maybe it's because as a nurturer, I want to help others out and keep them safe, but as a parent or as an educator, am I really helping the child if I don't turn the responsibility for behavior over to him or her?

A conversation I had with a teacher this week related directly to this idea. As I visited with her class, I noticed that she was doing a lot of talking to the children telling them how they should be behaving. During our discussion later, the teacher began to recognize that her students need to be held responsible for their behavior. The burden should be on them rather than on the teacher. Children want to do the right thing, but we as educators need to make sure that they know what the right thing is. We cannot assume that students know what our expectations are. Learning to behave appropriately can be difficult for some children, but it is important work that they must do. Support and empathy help the process, as well as a clear understanding of the expectations and a belief that all children can meet the expectations.

No Bystanders Allowed

Last night I read The Recess Queen by Alexis O'Neill and Laura Huliska-Beith. It's a book I've read many times to my classes and to my own children, yet I was moved by my daughter's comment that "This is a funny book!" Yes, it is funny and a very engaging story. The illustrations are large and colorful, and they add to the humor. The differences between Mean Jean, the Recess Queen and the tiny new girl, who stands up to the big bully, exaggerate the differences between meanness and kindness. And of course, the language is vivid, making the actions come alive for the reader.

As I thought about the book more, and my daughter's reaction, I wondered if she really got the point. The humor makes this a "safe" book for children to read because the pictures and exaggerations make it seem like bullies, such as Mean Jean, could never happen. Yet this book is a great opening for a discussion and one to connect with often. True, many kids have probably never met someone as mean as the Recess Queen, (thank goodness), but they've probably met children who have excluded others. They've probably witnessed a child making fun of someone else or watched one child who always needs to be the boss. While these might not be bullying situations, we need to teach children that it is not okay to act in ways that can hurt others. And I believe we also need to teach children to speak up when someone else is being hurt. When I read The Recess Queen last night, I was reminded that we need to teach our children not to be bystanders. We need to give them the words to help or to get help if they witness someone being hurt. It's not okay to stand by and watch.