"The lessons in this book are inspired by over a decade of classroom experience. Some of the sweetest, smartest, and most seemingly innocent kids are often the ones that do the most bullying. One thing they all have in common is that they do not see themselves as bullies. They imagine the exaggerated characters they see on TV and in movies. But the bully stereotypes of the big, dumb, mean guy or the self-absorbed, airheaded, mean girl do not exist in real life. No one is a bully all the time, but this misconception makes it hard to understand what real bullying looks like. Because kids do not identify themselves with their perception of bullies, they refuse to accept their actions as bully behavior. It is important for children to understand that TV-type bullies rarely exist, and in reality, we all act like bullies sometimes. The more we recognize and name these behaviors as bullying, the less likely we are to repeat them. Instead of labeling kids as bullies, we need to identify their actions as bullying. With this slight change in language, children are more willing to accept their behavior and take responsibility for it. They begin to realize when their words are hurtful. They become more mindful of the things they say and how they say them. They are more prepared to apologize and change because they understand that their actions do not determine their identity. Kids do not want to be bullies, they are usually just blind to the negative impact their behaviors have on others. Bullying is when you make someone feel bad, no matter how small or insignificant it seems. If we can teach children about real-life bullying early on, we will have less bullies. www.melodyarabo.com"
Note that there is no mention of Harassment and Intimidation laws or guidelines, and I don't want to minimize the importance of the guidelines. But bullying is much more than that, and I think Melody gets it right. "Bullying is when you make someone feel bad, no matter how small or insignificant it seems." It might not be noticed in school, but it's what crushes my heart at night.
Our children need to know that bullying is not okay. And they need to know that it is not okay to go along with it even if the bully is going to "not like them any more or be mad at them." This hurts as much as the bully's actions and words.
This is what I believe.
- It is not okay to exclude others.
- You can't invite someone to join one activity and then when the group decides to go somewhere else, you can't tell her that she can't come. (It's bad enough to exclude in the first place, but then to add a level of embarrassment to the exclusion is degrading.)
- It is not okay to talk behind other people's backs.
- Whatever happened to the saying that I grew up with, "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all." And the other one, "If you can't say it to his face, don't say it behind his back." Social media has created a platform for secrets to be told and rumors to be spread.
- It is not okay to hold friends hostage.
- Your friends can be friends with other people. Friends do not own each other.
- There is not a leader in a group of friends.
- This does sound a lot like Mean Girls, but I see this happening too much. Friends are equals. They respect each other. They do not vie for each other's attention. They think about the other person first. These are certainly lessons that our children need to learn. We cannot let the Mean Girl or Boy behavior persist.
- What children say to adults is not always true.
- Children do not always tell the truth. Sometimes, they don't tell the truth because they don't want to get in trouble. Sometimes they don't tell the truth because they want the adult to think more highly of them. Sometimes they don't tell the truth because they don't want to admit that what they are doing is wrong. All children do this whether they're bullies or not bullies. As adults we need to listen carefully. We need to recognize that there are always two sides to a story, and we need to recognize that our children are not always right.
- You don't have to like everyone, but you need to be nice to everyone.
- The Golden Rule should be our guide.
I'm hopeful that things will get better, but they won't get better until we can admit that all of our children are capable of mean or bullying behavior. We need to help our children stand up for others who are excluded and put down, and we need to help our children understand that building others up is much more powerful than tearing them down.
