Bullying Goes Beyond the HIB Guidelines

I was recently at a conference session on leadership and advocacy led by

Melody Arabo. She spoke of her passion about bullying and the book she authored, Diary of a Real Bully. The story is told from the bully's perspective which is powerful. Melody's Author's Note, which I quote from Amazon.com, hit very close to my heart because my family is living this right now.


"The lessons in this book are inspired by over a decade of classroom experience. Some of the sweetest, smartest, and most seemingly innocent kids are often the ones that do the most bullying. One thing they all have in common is that they do not see themselves as bullies. They imagine the exaggerated characters they see on TV and in movies. But the bully stereotypes of the big, dumb, mean guy or the self-absorbed, airheaded, mean girl do not exist in real life. No one is a bully all the time, but this misconception makes it hard to understand what real bullying looks like. Because kids do not identify themselves with their perception of bullies, they refuse to accept their actions as bully behavior. It is important for children to understand that TV-type bullies rarely exist, and in reality, we all act like bullies sometimes. The more we recognize and name these behaviors as bullying, the less likely we are to repeat them. Instead of labeling kids as bullies, we need to identify their actions as bullying. With this slight change in language, children are more willing to accept their behavior and take responsibility for it. They begin to realize when their words are hurtful. They become more mindful of the things they say and how they say them. They are more prepared to apologize and change because they understand that their actions do not determine their identity. Kids do not want to be bullies, they are usually just blind to the negative impact their behaviors have on others. Bullying is when you make someone feel bad, no matter how small or insignificant it seems. If we can teach children about real-life bullying early on, we will have less bullies. www.melodyarabo.com"


Note that there is no mention of Harassment and Intimidation laws or guidelines, and I don't want to minimize the importance of the guidelines. But bullying is much more than that, and I think Melody gets it right. "Bullying is when you make someone feel bad, no matter how small or insignificant it seems." It might not be noticed in school, but it's what crushes my heart at night.

Our children need to know that bullying is not okay. And they need to know that it is not okay to go along with it even if the bully is going to "not like them any more or be mad at them." This hurts as much as the bully's actions and words.

This is what I believe. 

• It is not okay to exclude others.
• You can't invite someone to join one activity and then when the group decides to go somewhere else, you can't tell her that she can't come. (It's bad enough to exclude in the first place, but then to add a level of embarrassment to the exclusion is degrading.)
• It is not okay to talk behind other people's backs.
• Whatever happened to the saying that I grew up with, "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all." And the other one, "If you can't say it to his face, don't say it behind his back." Social media has created a platform for secrets to be told and rumors to be spread. 
• It is not okay to hold friends hostage.
• Your friends can be friends with other people. Friends do not own each other.
• There is not a leader in a group of friends.
• This does sound a lot like Mean Girls, but I see this happening too much. Friends are equals. They respect each other. They do not vie for each other's attention. They think about the other person first. These are certainly lessons that our children need to learn. We cannot let the Mean Girl or Boy behavior persist. 
• What children say to adults is not always true.
• Children do not always tell the truth. Sometimes, they don't tell the truth because they don't want to get in trouble. Sometimes they don't tell the truth because they want the adult to think more highly of them. Sometimes they don't tell the truth because they don't want to admit that what they are doing is wrong. All children do this whether they're bullies or not bullies. As adults we need to listen carefully. We need to recognize that there are always two sides to a story, and we need to recognize that our children are not always right.
• You don't have to like everyone, but you need to be nice to everyone.
• The Golden Rule should be our guide.

I'm hopeful that things will get better, but they won't get better until we can admit that all of our children are capable of mean or bullying behavior. We need to help our children stand up for others who are excluded and put down, and we need to help our children understand that building others up is much more powerful than tearing them down. 

A Positive School Climate Lasts Longer Than Metal Detectors

Dr. Maurice Elias, the Director of the Rutgers Social and Emotional Learning Laboratory, shared his thoughts and wisdom about safe and secure schools at the NJSBA's statewide forum this past Friday. The title of this post is based on his ideas. Security measures are certainly important, but just as important is teaching students the social and emotional skills that they need to succeed. I've outlined below some of the ideas that hit home with me.

• School Climate Matters. Students need to feel safe and cared for. They need to feel accepted and to feel like they belong. Schools should invest time and effort into building a positive climate, and a good way to start is by completing a survey of teachers and students to get their perspectives on the climate of the school. The goal is for all students and teachers to feel safe and cared for.
• Preservation of dignity is important for everyone. As Dr. Elias pointed out, people with a strong sense of dignity do not kill other people. Everyone is worthy of respect and should be treated with respect. Is this true in your school or in the school of your children?
• Character education and social skills should be taught in schools. Differentiation in teaching will be necessary. Some students will need more time and practice to master social and emotional skills.
• Troubled students should be embraced. One of my early mentors told me that the child who is the most difficult is the one who needs me to care for him/her the most. Children come to school with many challenges. I have the opportunity to show I care about each one as a unique and important individual.

Schools have the responsibility to keep our children safe. Right now metal detectors and armed guards are on every one's minds. Just as important, and maybe even more important, is ensuring that all students feel respected and safe emotionally and socially in their schools.

Rethinking Bullying Policies

In previous posts, I've written that I believe bullying laws won't teach children to be empathetic, and I still don't believe that bullying laws will make administrators, teachers or students do the right thing. I still believe that schools need to create cultures that support and affirm differences and cultures that will not tolerate put downs and disrespect. Easier said than done, I know, but worth the work.                                                                

BUT...

There are schools, administrators, and teachers who are not building this type of commuity. These are the schools where threats are not taken seriously, where parents are told that the school will look into possible instances of bullying, and where the adults have assumed the roles of bystanders. Recently, in a neighboring community, a student committed suicide. Rumors surrounded the incident suggesting that bullying may have played a role. Repeatedly I heard the same story from my own children and their friends that the student had been threatened and bullied by other students. I'm not presenting this as fact. The police investigation will determine that. My concern is that the students in the school know that bullying is occurring, and they recognize that not enough is being done to stop it. With the law, no one should be able to pick and choose which incident should be investigated as bullying. They all must be investigated. Schools must provide a safe environment for all students. This is not an option. And while I still believe that teaching and modeling respect and compassion is also not an option, I'm glad that the bullying laws are there to protect students even when the schools may not be.

Behavior - Whose Responsibility is It?

"You can't change others; You can only change yourself." or "You are responsible for your own behavior." These are many of the tidbits of wisdom that I have shared with my children over the years. Dispensing wisdom is easy compared to actually living it or, even harder, watching someone else live up to those expectations. Maybe it's because as a nurturer, I want to help others out and keep them safe, but as a parent or as an educator, am I really helping the child if I don't turn the responsibility for behavior over to him or her?

A conversation I had with a teacher this week related directly to this idea. As I visited with her class, I noticed that she was doing a lot of talking to the children telling them how they should be behaving. During our discussion later, the teacher began to recognize that her students need to be held responsible for their behavior. The burden should be on them rather than on the teacher. Children want to do the right thing, but we as educators need to make sure that they know what the right thing is. We cannot assume that students know what our expectations are. Learning to behave appropriately can be difficult for some children, but it is important work that they must do. Support and empathy help the process, as well as a clear understanding of the expectations and a belief that all children can meet the expectations.

No Bystanders Allowed

Last night I read The Recess Queen by Alexis O'Neill and Laura Huliska-Beith. It's a book I've read many times to my classes and to my own children, yet I was moved by my daughter's comment that "This is a funny book!" Yes, it is funny and a very engaging story. The illustrations are large and colorful, and they add to the humor. The differences between Mean Jean, the Recess Queen and the tiny new girl, who stands up to the big bully, exaggerate the differences between meanness and kindness. And of course, the language is vivid, making the actions come alive for the reader.

As I thought about the book more, and my daughter's reaction, I wondered if she really got the point. The humor makes this a "safe" book for children to read because the pictures and exaggerations make it seem like bullies, such as Mean Jean, could never happen. Yet this book is a great opening for a discussion and one to connect with often. True, many kids have probably never met someone as mean as the Recess Queen, (thank goodness), but they've probably met children who have excluded others. They've probably witnessed a child making fun of someone else or watched one child who always needs to be the boss. While these might not be bullying situations, we need to teach children that it is not okay to act in ways that can hurt others. And I believe we also need to teach children to speak up when someone else is being hurt. When I read The Recess Queen last night, I was reminded that we need to teach our children not to be bystanders. We need to give them the words to help or to get help if they witness someone being hurt. It's not okay to stand by and watch.

Bullying Policies - Changing the Motivation To Do The Right Thing

“Children need to be noticed not rewarded” is one of my firmly held beliefs, and it ties into my passion for community building in classrooms. On the flip side, I don’t like band-aid approaches to solving problems. That is when policies or rules are set in place because a few people/groups/etc. are not doing the right thing. If you’ve read any of my blog posts, you know that I am also passionate about teaching children about bullying, but I worry that the new Harassment, Bullying, and Intimidation policy will not only be ineffective but may also be damaging to the good things that schools are doing now. The process to investigate and follow through on reports of bullying is tedious and time consuming.

Through my Twitter PLN, I was recently introduced to the book, Drive: The Surprising Truth About What Motivates Us by Daniel Pink. According to Pink, “The most motivated people – not to mention those who are most productive and satisfied – hitch their desires to a cause larger than themselves” (121). I like to think that teachers are drawn to the profession because they want to help children grow intellectually, socially, and emotionally. The new bullying policy seems to be working against the purpose of teachers. I’ll explain this idea through Pink’s quote by Max Bazerman, a Harvard Business School professor:

               Say you take people who are motivated to behave nicely, then give them a fairly weak set of ethical standards to meet. Now, instead of asking them to “do it because it’s the right thing to do,” you’ve essentially given them an alternative set of standards – do this so you can check off all these boxes.

               Imagine an organization, for example, that believes in affirmative action – one that wants to make the world a better place by creating a more diverse workforce. By reducing ethics to a checklist, suddenly affirmative action is just a bunch of requirements that the organization must meet to show that it isn’t discriminating.

               Now the organization isn’t focused on affirmatively pursuing diversity but rather on making sure that all the boxes are checked off to show that what it did is OK (and so it won’t get sued). Before, its workers had an intrinsic motivation to do the right thing, but now they have an extrinsic motivation to make sure that the company doesn’t get sued or fine” (139).

I hope that teachers and schools continue to do the right thing in regards to bullying and teaching children to be compassionate citizens even if it is reduced to a checklist. And if the new policy helps to motivate some schools to do the right thing I won’t be upset. After all, the true purpose of education is helping students to be the best that they can be intellectually, socially, and emotionally.

Name Calling Will Not Be Tolerated

I'm a big fan of Lester Laminack. Recently, I listened to his podcast at Choice Literacy on bullying http://www.choiceliteracy.com/public/1532.cfm. I was not familiar with the first book he mentioned, Dog Eared by Amanda Harvey, so of course, I ordered it. I'm glad that I did because it will be a wonderful addition to my classroom library.

The book begins with a happy and confident looking dog walking home. A bigger dog walks by and calls him a mean name, "Big Ears".  That comment causes self-doubt to creep in as the dog begins to worry that his ears really are too big. He becomes so distraught that he can't eat or play. He tries to fix his ears by doing some creative ear styling (think of a dog bouffant). He gives up and goes to sleep but is haunted by nightmares. In the middle of the night, one of his owner's children snuggles next to him and tells him how much she loves his ears. This restores his confidence, and the next day when the mean dog calls him another name, he brushes it off and continues on his way.

I can't wait to read this aloud to my class because of the rich discussions I can imagine. (Who hasn't been called a mean name before?) But as always, the implications are also rich for my reflections aa teacher.

• In the book, the dog's owner tells him how wonderful his ears are.
• What about those children who don't have someone to tell them how wonderful they are? How can I help them?

• The dog is called "Big Ears" by the mean dog. As an adult, that doesn't seem like a terribly mean comment; after all, the dog does have big ears.
• Have I ever minimized name calling because it seemed silly? It's the perception of the victim of the name calling that is important.

Dog Eared shows the negative power that name calling can have. As teachers and parents, we cannot tolerate any type of name calling. The damage done by it is too great.